Climb out of the Darkness
Last Saturday, I was scheduled to teach an all-day Childbirth Class for the University of Utah. Maybe it was my mistake - or maybe it was theirs, but I realized late Friday evening that I was not on the schedule. This error delighted me for two reasons: My husband, two dogs and I were driving to the Pacific Northwest and planned on starting our long drive after my class at 4pm. We moved our departure time up a few hours and drove in daylight. Secondly, I was available to attend the Postpartum Support International (PSI) fundraiser, Climb out of Darkness from 10am-12pm before I left town.
I recently completed a two-day PSI course on the components of care for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. I wanted to attend this event to add to my knowledge about postpartum issues and build my resource list. This event brought survivors, mental health providers and community members together around the Summer Solstice to shine light on the devastating truth around perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.
Our culture does not often speak openly about the difficulties of life with a baby. The hardships and challenges, although common, can be kept as if they were shameful secrets. A new mom often lacks perspective. She might think her anxiety or overwhelm feelings are normal. Thoughts like “of course I am tired - I have a newborn.“ Or, “of course I am anxious and unsure how to do this. It’s hard!” Endless thoughts invade our minds and are hard to turn off.
No one argues that the responsibility of feeding and caring for a newborn is not immense and exhausting. Mothers healing from birth and beginning to nurse ache with sore bodies. Their hormones are whacked. 80% of new mothers experience “baby blues.” These short-term swings in mood are caused by changes that come with a new baby. These feels usually only last up to three weeks. But if a mother continues to feel sadness, anxiety or overwhelm beyond a couple weeks, she may be suffering from a mood disorder.
Here’s a list of differences between baby blues and a mood disorder (taken from webmd.com):
When It’s the Baby Blues:
Your mood swings quickly from happy to sad. One minute, you’re proud of the job that you’re doing as a new mom. The next, you’re crying because you think you’re not up to the task.
You don’t feel like eating or taking care of yourself because you’re exhausted.
You feel irritable, overwhelmed, and anxious.
When It’s Postpartum Depression:
You feel hopeless, sad, worthless, or alone all the time, and you cry often.
You don’t feel like you’re doing a good job as a new mom.
You’re not bonding with your baby.
You can’t eat, sleep, or take care of your baby because of your overwhelming despair.
You could have anxiety and panic attacks.
A new mama might not know that she has a mood disorder. This is especially true if she does not have a history of mental illness prior to the birth of her child. Her feelings can be confusing. She might have waited her whole life to have a baby and imagined that the birth of her child will cause her to feel a certain way. If feelings that arise are negative, and she does not feel the way she imagined she would, she might think there’s something wrong with her. Mothering is not always wonderful and fulfilling. We women have a superpower to “should” ourselves.
“This should be different.”
“I should be able to do this.”
“I am supposed to enjoy this. I shouldn’t complain.”
“Why am I so tired? I should just power through.”
The shame of “shoulds” like these robs us of our joy.
Regardless of what she might feel, it’s important for a new mama to know that she is not alone. One in seven moms suffers from a mood or anxiety disorder during pregnancy or after delivery. Over twice as many moms of color suffer (1 in 3). And dads are affected too: 1 out of 10 dads are afflicted by a mood disorder. Often those dads suffer when the mother is suffering – a double doozy.
When a mood disorder goes undiagnosed, there is no way to rewind time to get that time back with the baby.
At the event on Saturday morning, one young mother bravely spoke and shared her postpartum depression journey. Her lower lip quivered with nerves. She opened with the message, “If I can help just one mother out there, it is worth it to be here.”
This mother suffered in silence for over a year after her baby was born. She felt like a terrible mother. She didn’t enjoy the baby and did not feel capable to care for the baby. Only her husband knew her truth. Six months into the baby’s life, her husband helped her find a therapist and a psychiatrist. Filled with shame, she thought she “shouldn’t” need the drugs or support to get better so she ignored them both and continued to suffer in the darkness.
By the time her daughter was a year old, she considered taking her own life. Thinking her family would be better off without her, she was saved by her husband. At that point, she started medication and began therapy. A year later, she still has hard days, but she is healing. She knows that she is not alone, it is not her fault and with help, she will be well.
Listening to her story, tears filled my eyes.
After her speech, she walked over to her husband and young daughter. I shuddered as I considered what that little girl’s life would be like without her dear mother. Thankfully, she found the help she needed. I wondered if they were other women in the park that morning who also needed help? If so, I prayed that they heard her message.
I am grateful that there are events and groups like Postpartum Support International to help couples make the difficult transition from adult to parent. The nonprofit organization offers peer support to families, trains professionals and then provides a bridge to connect them. I am looking forward to bringing this important knowledge into my work to support my OMazing mamas.
For more information or if you or someone you know needs postpartum support, click here to view the wealth of resources of PSI.